It has been a long, long time since I bothered to write a thing on my blog. I am still taking 15 mg of morphine 3 times a day. It seems to be a level that I can manage day in and day out. Cutting way back on morphine changed my ability to think clearly tremendously and I have also been more active physically even on days when I don't feel great.

There is a big downside. My marriage has not been good for the last 3 years or about the same amount of time I have been on morphine. As my thinking has gotten clearer I have had to admit that probably the only reason the marriage has lasted as long as it has is because I have been in enough of a fog to just let things slide off. The clearer my thinking has been the more stress and strife there has been in the marriage.

I don't blame my wife. It certainly is not the first failed marriage for either of us, but my record is much worse than hers. We still enjoy going and doing things together, but we don't get along living together. I am moving out and hopefully we can work things out so Sue Ann can stay in the house as long as she wants. I intend to make it as easy for her to as possible. She loves the house and her flowers but with Chronic Fatigue the house has just became more and more of a burden in my eyes.

I am hoping we can live apart and still be friends. There is no other woman and no other man. I just have to cut the stress level and we don't seem to be able to do that living together. I wish Sue Ann all the best and I hope all of my friends will too and no one takes sides even if one of us says things in anger when we are having a bad day.

Larry

Day 4 of 1 dose a day

I seem to have reached a plateau and I am waiting for it to get better after dropping the morning dose. I have promised myself that I am going to give it at least a week before I decide what to do next. Having a sinus infection at the same time has not helped a thing. If I can't do more than maintain where I am now I see my pain doctor on the 5th of next month and I can hope he has other solutions. I don't want to fail. I just don't know how much pain I can deal with and still function. I really need to be able to draw and I haven't been able to lately. May the doctor can treat localized pain rather than all over like morphine does. At the moment I am stuck.

Larry

I was going to just write in Facebook but it limits you so much on your first post and I don't feel like messing with it so you have to read my blog if you want to know what I say.

Today is my 2nd day of just one 30mg dose of morphine a day at bedtime. I have a sinus infection that is 100 times worse than quiting the morphine. I need to recover enough to fix a computer for a customer. I haven't been able to think straight until just the last hour. I want to know why they can find a vaccine for the flu but not for the common cold. I may not try to lose the last dose of morphine until my head is better. So far it hasn't been hard at all though. I really appreciate all of the people who have been supporting me!!!

Day 19

I took a little break to have the flu. I really did not care about too much the last two days. I am still cutting back. I am now down to 1/3 of what I was staking before I started cutting back on morphine. I am wondering what my pain doctor is going to say, but that does not change the fact that I do not want to be dependent on morphine any longer.

I wish the rest of me was doing as well. I am on the 3rd week of a sinus infection. I thought it was just a cold but 3 weeks is too long.

Today was Sue Ann's turn for tests and we had to be in Des Moines at 7:30 this morning. I don't even know what time Sue Ann woke me up but I know it was way, way too early. Who knows. It may help me wake up before noon tomorrow.

Remember that a new computer plugged into the Internet with out the proper protection is usually infected in less than 12 minutes. You have to install the protection first. With USB drives so cheap you can download the software to protect your computer and install it before you go online when you buy a new PC. Remember that if you keep your computer clean it can't infect mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Larry

DAY 16

This is day 16 of getting off of morphine. I have a choice to make tomorrow. I either go from 3 doses a day to two doses a day so I can stretch the meds I have now until my next doctor's appointment or I keep on taking 3 doses a day and call in for another prescription which I would rather not do. Tomorrow I try taking just 2 doses.

I am so looking forward to not taking any drugs that my body develops such a dependence on that I can not just quit it when I want. Also I no longer want to take drugs that are so tightly controlled that you worry about something happening and you don't get the prescription on time. I do not like what I felt at the end of every month when I was waiting to get the prescription renewed. It was actual fear. The morphine has had too much of a hold on me and it has been getting worse every month. The way the laws are with all of the restrictions you almost feel like a criminal just going to get your refills.

As I said yesterday I picked up my pencils for the first time in a couple of months. It feels so good to get back to my art. I know I am not a great artist and will probably never sell anything but I enjoy it and I feel a real sense of accomplishment when I finish a picture. If I keep making good progress I should have something to show for it in a few days.

I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me again.

Larry

Day 15

I really think I am going to put this on hold to give my pain doctor a chance to be on my side and help me when I have my next appointment on April 5th.

I picked up my pencils and started working a drawing that has been sitting idle for over 2 months. In fact I haven't drawn anything in that time or probably more. It is a drawing of an old barn with holes in the roof from the inside looking out. My 1st attempt of something like this, but probably not my last.

It feels really good to be drawing again after so long. I have no idea why I can draw for months and then suddenly can't.

DAY 14

I can't believe it has only taken me 2 weeks to cut the morphine in half. Surprisingly I hurt less and when the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is not bad I am getting more done. I do have days that the CFS is really bad and all I do it sleep, but I am still much better than I was.

The one thing more than anything else that made me want to get off of morphine was the way it was ruling my life. Unless you have been on something similar and know that you will suffer greatly if the supply is suddenly cut off I don't think you can understand what it is like. I am not completely off but I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders already. I am taking control of the morphine rather than it taking control of me. It was getting so I was living in fear of something getting screwed up at the end of every month and not being able to get my refill before I ran out. I don't want to be controlled by anything like that.

My wife and my counselor both thing that I should wait until early April when I see my pain doctor again before going any further so I can say I got off under a doctor's supervision. I guess that is what I should do but I have not decided yet. I want to not be using any drug that can not simply be faxed to my pharmacy. I have only been using aspirin to help when I do have some pain.

Warning - Politics Ahead

Have you noticed all of the ads and mailers from elected officials about how they are so fed up with the way things are going in Washington? Why didn't they feel this way last year or even six months ago. What a bunch of lying hypocrites. I know there have to be a few honest men out of the total congress and senate but who are they and how do we really know they are. I only hope that when elections come around again people will remember the things that have been going on and throw out all of the corrupt, lying thieves. I believe over 90% of them vote more in line with what big companies want them to vote. They get paid for their votes in one way or another. If we do get a new national health care plan it will be one that the pharmaceutical companies approve. I don't even know if a bunch of new people could fight the corrupt machine that runs Washington any more. We have more infrastructure than we can support with the tax dollars available. The true jobless rate is nearly double what the government tells it is.

That is the end of my rant for now, but unless more people start caring we will be living in a 3rd world country eventually. All you have to do is read historys of other nations of the past.

Larry

DAY 13

This is day 13 of trying to get myself off of morphine. I felt the best today that I have felt in months. My CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) was leaving me alone and I made the most of it. I get a good day maybe once a month or every 3 weeks if I am lucky. I did the dishes, nearly all of the laundry and swept and scrubbed the floor in my office space. I am guessing that gets me out of having to exercise on the WII tonight. I certainly hope so because I used all the energy I had.

An old type of spam has popped back up. It places the virus or Trojans in a picture and all you need to do to get infected in to look at it. What ever email you are using you need a good spam filter. You need your email to not open the next email when you delete the one you are looking at and also set your email program not to automatically download the pictures that go with the email. Also turn off the reading or preview pane so you never get to see the body of the email unless you decide to open it. Only download attachments if you know the person who sent you the email and even then only if you are expecting an attachment of the text of the email explains what it is and it is something you would expect from that person.

If you can not find the settings in your email program to make the changes you can leave a message here or on Facebook or email me. I will be glad to help you make your email safer.

The top 10 Trojans used infected computers to send over 100 Billion pieces of spam each day. More than 97% of all emails sent every day are unwanted. Don't be part of the problem if you can help it. I am more than happy to help anyone who thinks their computer is infected also.

Done preaching for the day.

Larry

DAY 12

I missed day 11. I forgot all of my evening meds the night before and I was sick as a dog all day. I ended up spacing off the blog. I don't really have much to say tonight either. I am still doing OK but I am between steps down too. I am also too tired to have anything to day.

Day 10

I am now on 1/2 of the dose of morphine that I was on and no problems so far. My only problem today is the Chronic Fatigue. I got up a lot earlier than I have been and haven't had a nap so far today.

I Had been using a demo copy of Windows 7 and installed a permanent copy today. I tried once before using Microsoft's "Easy Transfer Tool" and Windows was such a mess that it would not download any updates or patches. This time I installed everything from scratch and it is working fine. So much for trusting Microsoft. At least computers are a lot faster now and that means it takes much less time to install software.

Larry

DAY 9

OK, Today I dropped another 30 mg a day and by tomorrow I should know if I am going to be feeling it. I really feel abandoned by my pain doctor for never calling me back when I asked for help doing this. I realize I may someday end up back on morphine if the pain gets bad, but I know there other ways to deal with the pain. At least partially. Partially might be enough to help ,e make it. Most days the tips of my fingers feel like they have been hit by a hammer no matter what I take for pain medications but I still type. A lot of it depends on how much you want to do something. I am also trying my hardest to exercise 30 minutes every day on the WII while I am doing this. Some days I pick some pretty lite exercises but I try to do at least half of them that are difficult. There was the day I didn't blog and I didn't exercise either. The head cold was worse than the pain that day. It was the worst I have felt for weeks.

My biggest problem right now is not dealing with pain but getting to bed at night. With my ebook reader I have access to so many books that I find myself still reading at midnight or even 1 AM.

Larry

Day 8

I lost yesterday and today to a head cold. I think it may be worse than any withdrawal. Right now I am mor3e worried about getting me head clear enough I can breath and sleep at the same time.Sue Ann has the same head cold so it is not withdrawal. Just my sinuses and some arthritis in my hands. Tomorrow I will drop to 30 mg 3 times a day for a total of 90 mg a day down from 120mg a day. I hope that it is not as bad as this cold.

I said I would write more about ebook readers but I am not really to that either right now. If any of my friends have an ebook I would like to know what you have and if you enjoy.

Larry

Day Six

Tomorrow makes a week and then on day 8 I will drop the dose of morphine again. I don't know for sure how my body will react. If I get my family doctor to agree to help me I may wait until I see her, but I doubt it. I am still doing fine.

My Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has been acting up today so I am slow getting around to writing anything.

I received an ebook reader for Christmas. I have found that there are 10,s of thousands or maybe 100's of thousands of free ebooks you can download including some which are brand new because the authors can't get published otherwise. There is also a publisher who gives a free library card to anyone who is disabled which includes me unfortunately. They just happen to be one of the biggest Science Fiction publishers in the US which is my favorite type of book to read.

I will try to write a bit about types of ebooks soon. The ones you hear all about are not the best ones to buy. There are many others for less than 1/2 the price and some have many more features. Plus you are not tied to any one company for your books.

Larry

Day Five

Another day with no symptoms of withdrawal. Just worn out from having my grand daughter here. I have pretty much given up on my pain doctor calling me and helping with this. I guess it is time to call my family doctor and ask for help. It seems to be that or do it on my own. This is really getting sort of boring because there has not been any problems cutting back on the dosage of morphine. If anything I feel better.

Ashley and I had a good time even if I was having trouble staying awake. She played with the toys she got for her upcoming birthday and drew some pictures with her markers. She is neater than I am when she is drawing. She only takes one at a time out of the case. She drew Grandma a picture of summer with lots of green grass and flowers and the trees were full of leaves. She did that because on the way home from picking her up she heard Grandma complaining about wanting to see some green grass. Not bad for 6 years old.

Day Four

I am starting Day four and woke up early feeling fine. I have some aches & pains but not much and some of that might be from sleeping in my recliner . Ashley stole my half of the bed last night and it was easier to sleep in the chair than to lay next to her the way she wiggles around. I am up so early because Ash is used to getting up earlier herself. She wants to use my computer so this is going to be short.

The End of Day 3

I have made it three days now on 2/3rds of the morphine I was taking. On day 8 I plan to drop one of the 60 mg doses to 30 mg and go for another week. So far I have not had any symptoms that I do not have anyway so I think I can say that there have not really been any with drawl symptoms.

Today we went to Des Moines and picked up our grand daughter Ashley because next week is her birthday. Grandma got carried away as usual and I don't even want to know what she spent. The two of them spent the evening together and I will get to spend the morning with here while grandma has to work.

I do hope that the doctor calls me next week and helps me with a plan to get off morphine. Going from 30 MG to nothing is a pretty big jump but if that is what I have to do I will. Next week will tell. If the pain doctor does not call I will call my family doctor I guess.

Day 3

I am feeling good so far on day three. Actually can't tell any difference on 2 doses from 3 doses at this point. We are off to pick up my grand daughter so I will post more later.

I am going to make it through another day. The insurance company called a full week after they were to be filled to tell me that my prescriptions were approved. I am on my way to quiting now though. I think I am having some minor symptoms but the way I feel all the time I can't be sure. Thank you all for your support.

Well I made it through the first day with out taking the noon dose of morphine. I have had to take two hydrocodone for my hands and my stomach has been upset a little is all so far. I am also wide awake and it is nearly midnight. I hope it keeps up this easy.

Thanks to all of my friends who are praying for me or supporting me in their own way.

I want to get off of morphine but not the way I may end up doing it. I have been taking it 3 times a day for over a year. Suddenly my insurance will only allow 60 tablets a month which either means I cut my does by one third right away or I go cold turkey in 20 days. The doctor has already tried to get prior authorization and that was refused. How can an insurance company decide to cut a person's dosage by one third when it is a drug like morphine with no warning? Our system is so screwed up. We could pay for the morphine out of pocket but can't really afford to do that.

I am watching the president and congressmen debate the health insurance bill on C-Span right now. They are just talking around and around and not making any progress. I wish I could call them and tell them what I think right now.

In the mean time I am sitting here waiting for either a nurse or my pain doctor to call me and discuss what I can do. This is just proof that getting off of morphine is a good idea. Then I won't be dependent on the drug, the doctor, the pharmacy or the insurance company.

Hard decisions

I didn't think I would ever start this up again but there come times in your lives that you want to keep track of and need support of those who you count on as good friend. I have been taking pain medication for 3 or 4 years now and it seems that I keep having to take more and more to just stay even with the pain. Right now I am at the point that I either have to take a higher dosage of morphine or decide to attempt to get off of the heavy drugs altogether.

I have asked my pain doctor to help me try to get off of morphine completely because it looks like I will just keep taking more and more and more over time. I don't think it is affecting my thinking but how can I tell.

The blog has been inactive so long that I doubt that anyone will find it unless I invite them. If you received an invitation it means I claim you as a good friend and would appreciate your prayers and support because I know this is going to be one of the harder things I have ever done. I am not an addict but my body depends on the drug and is not going to like it when I quit taking it.

Right now I am taking 60mg of morphine 3 times a day and if I stay on it I am going to be going to 90mg three times a day. It seems like a good time to give it a try. Thank you in advance for you prayers and support.

Larry