Well the end is that I signed the divorce papers and it will finally be over. maybe now I can get on with my life. I haven't felt married for a long time but it is still sad that marriage failed.
Well I am not off to a flying start getting back to this. The person who said I should start back up is doing worse than I am though. I have no idea who reads this. The dashboard says I have 6 followers but for some reason will not tell me who they are. I know who three are and no idea about the other three. I guess it doesn't much matter because I am not really writing for anyone else.
I guess I should say that I am off of any pain medication stronger than hydrocodone which is huge after living most of three years in a morphine fog. I have been off of anything stronger for more than six months. It means dealing with more pain but it also means I can think clearly again. I know I know, a lot of times I still feel I don't think so clearly and at times I think they are right. Not getting into details right now because a lot of it involves other people who would prefer to remain anonymous for now. Hopefully not forever.
This being in the middle of a divorce is for the birds. The marriage is over for sure but I am still stuck in limbo as far as relationships go. I am doing OK living alone because I was mostly alone when I was with my wife but I do not like having someone around. I have talked to others in my position and the feeling seems to be pretty much universal. There is also wondering if you are going to end up alone in your old age at this point in life.
The last few months seem to be times of getting really involved in life and then times of not really caring much but going through the motions. I am trying to pull out of one of those right now. Trying to get back to drawing, writing and getting done the things that need doing when they should be done. Hopefully eventually I will even out and get on with a somewhat normal life. It has been so long that I am not sure what that it any longer.
There is more that I would like to write but have to keep to myself for now. I need to get moving and go work on a computer if I can have access to it today.
I am starting to write again because someone I care dearly about says I should. Why they think what I write is so great I have no idea and some of the things I would most like to write about I can't right now.
When I quit my wife and I had separated and I was hoping we could work things out. Not going to happen. She filed for divorce and all that is left to do is agree on what it will cost her to buy out of the house. Enough said on that. I am working on getting on with my life and not sitting around feeling bad about something already dead.
My art has been on the shelf as long as this blog has and I am finally starting a new drawing. It remains to be seen how rusty I am. At least I finally got started again.
It has been a long, long time since I bothered to write a thing on my blog. I am still taking 15 mg of morphine 3 times a day. It seems to be a level that I can manage day in and day out. Cutting way back on morphine changed my ability to think clearly tremendously and I have also been more active physically even on days when I don't feel great.
There is a big downside. My marriage has not been good for the last 3 years or about the same amount of time I have been on morphine. As my thinking has gotten clearer I have had to admit that probably the only reason the marriage has lasted as long as it has is because I have been in enough of a fog to just let things slide off. The clearer my thinking has been the more stress and strife there has been in the marriage.
I don't blame my wife. It certainly is not the first failed marriage for either of us, but my record is much worse than hers. We still enjoy going and doing things together, but we don't get along living together. I am moving out and hopefully we can work things out so Sue Ann can stay in the house as long as she wants. I intend to make it as easy for her to as possible. She loves the house and her flowers but with Chronic Fatigue the house has just became more and more of a burden in my eyes.
I am hoping we can live apart and still be friends. There is no other woman and no other man. I just have to cut the stress level and we don't seem to be able to do that living together. I wish Sue Ann all the best and I hope all of my friends will too and no one takes sides even if one of us says things in anger when we are having a bad day.
Larry
I seem to have reached a plateau and I am waiting for it to get better after dropping the morning dose. I have promised myself that I am going to give it at least a week before I decide what to do next. Having a sinus infection at the same time has not helped a thing. If I can't do more than maintain where I am now I see my pain doctor on the 5th of next month and I can hope he has other solutions. I don't want to fail. I just don't know how much pain I can deal with and still function. I really need to be able to draw and I haven't been able to lately. May the doctor can treat localized pain rather than all over like morphine does. At the moment I am stuck.
Larry
I was going to just write in Facebook but it limits you so much on your first post and I don't feel like messing with it so you have to read my blog if you want to know what I say.
Today is my 2nd day of just one 30mg dose of morphine a day at bedtime. I have a sinus infection that is 100 times worse than quiting the morphine. I need to recover enough to fix a computer for a customer. I haven't been able to think straight until just the last hour. I want to know why they can find a vaccine for the flu but not for the common cold. I may not try to lose the last dose of morphine until my head is better. So far it hasn't been hard at all though. I really appreciate all of the people who have been supporting me!!!
I took a little break to have the flu. I really did not care about too much the last two days. I am still cutting back. I am now down to 1/3 of what I was staking before I started cutting back on morphine. I am wondering what my pain doctor is going to say, but that does not change the fact that I do not want to be dependent on morphine any longer.
I wish the rest of me was doing as well. I am on the 3rd week of a sinus infection. I thought it was just a cold but 3 weeks is too long.
Today was Sue Ann's turn for tests and we had to be in Des Moines at 7:30 this morning. I don't even know what time Sue Ann woke me up but I know it was way, way too early. Who knows. It may help me wake up before noon tomorrow.
Remember that a new computer plugged into the Internet with out the proper protection is usually infected in less than 12 minutes. You have to install the protection first. With USB drives so cheap you can download the software to protect your computer and install it before you go online when you buy a new PC. Remember that if you keep your computer clean it can't infect mine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Larry
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